When my wife was still pregnant, I started thinking about how to raise a Godly child. It is not a easy thing to think about as my son will one day be an individual who makes his own choices and chooses his own path, and the solution to that will be simple. Just read the story of the Lost son. So when my son starts making his own choices, He will be hopefully disciplined enough to make the right choice. I will present the options to him and let him decide his own path from there. This is our view on Christianity, what it says about gentle parenting and a few bible verses discussing the matter.
While gentle parents discipline their children, the goal is to teach the child rather than punish them for their behavior. These actions help children better understand how they should behave while not exposing them to less favorable ways of speaking and acting.
When we show gentleness, especially during stressful times, we model frustration tolerance, and we model flexibility. Staying calm and being gentle and firm sets the tone for positive growth and development," says Allison Andrews, PsyD, practice owner and primary clinician at Child Development Partners in Boston, MA.
But gentle parenting also involves discipline. So its not permissive parenting which basically asks nothing of the child and sets no boundaries, nor is it tiger parenting with extremely high expectations and no leisure activities.
So you might ask yourself, but is this biblical. I will present a few arguments as to what I think:
Does the bible support Gentle Parenting? What does Christianity say and are their Bible verses to back it up
So I have the following question for you before we go deeper into this. Does the bible tell you how to do every little thing in your life? Does it tell you to brush your teeth, get dressed, go to work, feed yourself, visit friends and family, take time to relax etc. Of course not. The bible cant advise us on how to do every small little thing because then there would be no self determination, no community, we would not be thinking for ourselves on what's best in situations, we would basically be drones waiting on a programmed instruction. The bible was written to show us a historical collection of where we came from, what God did before, to show us Jesus and his sacrifice, and to give guidance in a general everyday life matter. But it was never created to tell us exactly what to do in every situation, otherwise it would be a endless book of instructions and nothing else. When it comes to parenting, there are some verses that can assist in this regard.
PROVERBS 22:6- Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it
EPHESIANS 6:4- And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. Fathers, your family should take top priority. Your children and grandchildren are your dynasty.
PROVERBS 22:15- Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, and the rod of correction shall drive it away. PROVERBS 15:1- A soft word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger PROVERBS 23:13- Do not withhold discipline from a child;
if you punish them with the rod, they will not die.
PROVERBS 29:17- Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire.
PROVERBS 13:24- Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. PROVERBS 29:15- The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.
COLOSSIANS 3:21- Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged
PSALM 103:13- As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
What does this mean?
So what can these bible verses teach us about raising children. Its is fair to say that there are two elements coming through here, Discipline, and Love. We cant be so stubborn as to just see the word rod over and over and presume that means hit our children. That's the same as reading a recipe for a cake and just seeing the word beat everywhere, so you go grab your belt or ruler or whatever and start hitting all the ingredients because we saw the word beat a few times without reading the entire recipe. The basic argument of most Christians who believe in physical discipline is to point to the word rod being used over and over. Basically I see the word rod, a rod is used to hit things, it means hit children when they are naughty. But this is the total opposite of what psychology teaches us. So we have a problem here. Either the bible is wrong in this regard and we should not be hitting our children OR Someone just has not taken the time to understand the meaning behind this and went on face value If we look at all the instances where a rod is mentioned, it also talks about discipline at the same time. The idea that the only form of discipline is to hit a child is a lie actually. It is something people were told to believe and the idea took root without anyone questioning it. and it got passed down the generations. So lets look at the word discipline- The original word in the Aramaic bible can mean:
"Properly, chastisement; figuratively, reproof, warning or instruction; also restraint" This would suggest a more discussion and consequences approach to discipline than hitting your children. Where things are spoken about and explained, measured consequences are giving appropriately. Sometimes that means doing nothing even as it carries its own consequence. An example would be your child threw their favorite toy across the room and it broke. The consequence being the toy is broken, and it cant be played with anymore, its gone. There is no need to spank them for it, the consequence that occurred naturally is the punishment. Our role is to tell the child calmly but firmly, you threw your toy, it broke, and you cant play with it anymore. We must not throw our toys. When my son throws his spoon or fork away, he doesn't get it back, we say we don't throw our cutlery and leave it where it is until he has been put to bed. he then eats with his hands instead. Its the natural consequence of the action. It takes time though, so be patient with yourself.
So what should we do?
This is where we need to reach out to the greater Christian community and ask for guidance and assistance. We go to doctors for our physical health, accountants for our financial health, builders for our homes etc, so whats wrong with approaching the right people for our parenting health.
In this case, it would be psychologists and teachers and people who have studied the development of children and have come to an agreement about what's best. I regularly read articles about parenting at each stage of my sons development, and when something new pops up, our family researches, discusses, and implements the best tactic.
Be aware, you might encounter a lot of pushback from certain family members about doing this as they were taught differently. Unfortunately, changing a mindset, especially a religious one, can be very difficult. I have to use gentle parenting techniques sometime on older people who want to interfere with how we are doing things because they were not raised that way. I remember the first time one of my in laws tried to get my son to stop something with the sentence you are going to get hit if you don't stop, it took a verbal disciplining from me and my wife and telling her the bible does not say hit your children, and that mentality still pops up every now and then.
The way we were raised has a impact on us and we carry that parenting technique with us forward. Unfortunately, just like abused children can become abusers, children who were parented badly will probably repeat the same parenting techniques. It requires a change of thinking.
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