When I became a father, I knew nothing about it, but at the same time I was not worried about this as with everything new, you just take it one moment at a time and deal with it step by step. But I still wanted to do my research and see what we can learn from psychologists and studies about how to be a good father. The typical Christian view on parenting is summed up in one sentence, spare the rod, spoil the child. Unfortunately this is normally taken completely out of context and parents just assume this means to hit your children, discipline them continuously, control them at times, give them no respect, etc. I grew up with this type of parenting style and it lead to endless problems. So the first thing I did when I became a father was to determine what style of parenting worked best, and it is called Gentle/Authoritative parenting. It basically involves discussing everything with your children, setting boundaries, doesn't involve spanking, requires patience and love. This sounds more like a Christian approach that Jesus would approve of than smack your kids and control them. There are multiple stories that back this up, the obvious being the prodigal son. This is probably an allegory, but it can apply to raising children. You can educate, discipline your children, put down boundaries etc., but if they want to do something that's bad for them, they will find a way. Even if means they want to get away from you doing it, let them. They need to be let go if they are adamant they want to get away. Keep the door open for their return when they are ready. Its the same for anyone who wants to change their lives, they need to decide to do it. if they don't and have to be forced into it, its not a true change. You can read more on the websites below: Very well Family
So what makes a great father?
So what makes someone a great father?
It has been proven that Children with Active Involved Fathers are less likely to to experience depression, anxiety, have higher income and better education.
Unfortunately, the instances of families staying together are becoming less and less. Single unwed mothers are on the rise, accounting for 40% of all births according to a study done in a video we will add below. What determines in the father as to whether he will be a good father or not, comes down to the level of confidence he has in his ability to be a parent. Asking questions of themselves like will be a good role model, can others look up to me, are questions they constantly ask themselves. In todays society, men have been socialized to solve problems, and determine their outcomes based on the performance they are achieving. This has resulted in men being socialized away from showing love in stressful moments, not basing it on their performance, but loving your child in difficult moments. This requires us to be sacrificial, vulnerable, and show love.
How do we achieve this?
So how do we go about this, how do we break the cycle of what our parents did. The first thing suggested is to reflect on your relationship with your father. Mine was non existent, he had no idea on how to be a father, showed no interest till the point I just did not want to spend time with him anymore when I turned thirteen or so. After that it was pretty much a distant relationship, we spoke as acquaintances, not father and son. Then the second stop is forgiveness. Forgiveness is the gateway to confidence. When I had my son, it made me start questioning why my father did what he did in that way. I eventually realized he did not know any better, and yes he could have taken the time to learn it, but he might not have known how to show love. This lead to my forgiveness of him. Forgive them Lord, for they do not know what they do.
This part is for the mothers. Men need to be reinforced, they need to be told they are a good father and that they are doing just fine. This is more for when we question if we are doing the right path, so support us ladies, we need it.
Fathers, your duty is to check your role. Are you just being a disciplinarian, a teacher, a provider? these are important, but remember to teach and show love- teach them about spirituality, remember to be there and be sacrificial. So when your child comes up to and asks you to play with them, read that story one last time, comfort them when they are sad, sit down and play with those cars, read the story again, give them a hug and say its ok to be sad. Don't sit on your phone or drink your beer, order them to go to bed, or say be a man and stop crying. Be sacrificial, be vulnerable, don't be the father you never wanted.
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Further Resources
If you are a parent who has recently been diagnosed with cancer or has a family member who has been, We have a resource below that can assist you with explaining to your children how to handle this. I had a cancer scare myself recently, but thank God it was just normal skin moles that are benign. But the feelings I had when given that initial potential diagnosis were terrifying. The thought of leaving behind my family sooner than I had hoped was horrible.
So please, read the below and contact them if you require any further assistance.
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